Ruth Wijaya

While having my afternoon walk, and my mind goes wandering to dream and reality, suddenly it hit me, who am I competing with?

All the time, I joke that: we never win from life as no one will ever get out from it alive. No one. Okay, I will not debate with bible’s famous stories of Enoch and… of course Jesus. Right?! Death is certain for all human being. Face it, we are not saint or special prophet or Son of God. We are just like other millions, spec of dust.

Though I know I never win from life, what I have done is the opposite. I never stop challenging life and having a competition with it. Well, when the tought slapped me, of course I was a bit denial… I thought, I am always an easy and relaxed person. Well, I can sit quite for hours just reading and stop my mind from thinking or just drawing. I can stay alone at home with no human interaction for days… only limited by logistic supply. Also, for long time I have decided that the only thing I want is I don’t want to feel regret on my death bed. I never listened to other on taking charge of my life. I am not living with anyone standard. There are few people misunderstood with my actions but I just don’t mind.

But then, the way I act itself become my competition. I always all in aspect I valued; I don’t want to have any regret, I will love fully… I will do everything wholeheartedly. Well, at the moment I typing this, I still believe on those. Living wholeheartedly; living to the fullest.

How I know that I will not regret? When we die do we even still can feel?

Other than dying without regret, I am also wishing for death without pain. When my time come, let me just go like an autumn leaf fall from its tree, with a breeze. Both hopes are always on my prayer. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to kill myself… no… like I told you, I am very alive but we all know it will come. So, yeah… better I just prepared.

Who am I competing with? What is winning life? What? Happiness? Overcome our difficulties? Being positive all the time? Be a useful human being? What is winning life?

Finished my walk this afternoon, I just sighed and tell myself… Wah Ruthwijaya, you are really expert on this kind of useless thought. Just embrace life as it should be… it sucks… it full with regrets… and just accept even though your life is useless. I laughed as I hear my voice saying this to the over-useless-thinking me.

Well, at least I have something to post then. Good night for now.