Ruth Wijaya

… I can’t live.

You sing. You lose. Hahaha.

I don’t know how to start writing. I want to draw but I cannot pick up pencil. Seriously, for hours, I just sit, holding pencil and don’t know how to start my drawing. I know well what I want to draw. I couldn’t start it. Lyfe moves fast. A roller coaster life still on going.

I’m suck with words, but I’m trying.

Few weeks ago, I have great talks with friends on being single. I forgot most part of the conversation. I just remember, I told them, this subject should go on my blog posting. Now, I completely forget the detail. I just remember, at one moment during the conversation, I feel like, wah… all these girls are having great-rocking-dating lyfe and why I have no date? Why no one ever asking me to a date?

Then I asked myself, “Ruth Wijaya, why the fact that you have no one as your romantic partner is bothering you? Don’t you have been decided that you gave up? Don’t you agreed already that it will never work? That you already take a vow on a solitude journey?”

Oh right. I already made decision few years ago, that romantic subject is out from my life. It will never work. I still tried after, but then I cringed when it doesn’t work, why should I even give it another try?

With or without partner, all of us will walk thru a solitude path. Or maybe not. I don’t know what I know anymore. I know nothing.

A wise man said, if you are miserable when you are alone, you are obviously in bad company. Well, I’m too good with being alone, I’m at my best when I sit doing nothing. Mind going silent, sitting hours on my front yard, watching leaves on rambutan trees, think about nothing. Drawing, writing. Not all the time I could sit and doing nothing, not only about the time, but my mind won’t stop thinking. It jumping all over.

It is all about me.

With or without you, I can still live. All I need is myself. And who is this myself? As on now, when your life turned upside down; you reset all your knowledge and drop all what you know, stop all the argument inside your head, you just tried your best to be present on now moment, then myself is someone that I don’t know also.

I don’t know if all of this making any sense. Nothing making senses anymore.

A journey continued.