Ruth Wijaya

Almost midnight when the plane taking off, and outside I can see million lights of your city. In few seconds, I completely flying over your city. There one light among those million is yours; you and your lover now. I still feel cold pain slicing my left chest spreading to my back whenever I remember you. I couldn’t help it. I should able to stop to think about you by now but every second, memories flooding and reminds me of you. The harder I tried, the more it keep coming back.

Like now, I suddenly remember your random question, “flying… aisle or window seat?”  Me being me, I explained in detail, “depend on the flight. Early morning or almost twilight on short flight less than three hours, of course window. Daytime or night flight on short flight, aisle. Long flight more than 5 hours, I prefer red-eye flight at window. I love watching sunrise or sunset and I don’t mind window seat, I have short leg anyway.” You laugh then we kissed. 

I am having my red-eye flight now. Eight hours to go before my next transit and continued the journey. Long way to playing over memories that I have with you.

That million lights. We were sitting at your sofa, turning off all the lamps and watching the city lights outside your window. I told you, “I always love city lights at night, I feel recharging” you laugh; we have lots of laughs when we were together, “why? You feel electrified?” 

“No, look at those lights! Millions! Just imagine, one light is representing one problem in this world, then my problem is just one small dot and it will over. I’m good, my problem is nothing!”

Why are you still become my problem? When is it going to over? You are happier now. Maybe.

The plane is shaking. Captain announced bad weather outside and we are going to cruising storm. It going to be bumpy and advised to fasten our seatbelt. 

Storm and rain, how we love that. One night it was heavy storm outside, so loud to wake us up. Then you hugged me tight, “don’t be afraid, I’m here, it just storm, it will clear our path and tomorrow we will have blue sky” I couldn’t help but laugh, “do you think I am afraid?”

“I’m just guessing, you never told me what you are afraid of…”

“What are you afraid of?”

“Me? Storm… so, I hug you. What’s yours?”

“Never able to say a proper goodbye”

“Oh darling… we will never need a goodbye”

I think so. I think I will never saying goodbye to you. Until one night, you cook my favourite dinner, spaghetti aglio olio. You always say that I am too easy; aglio olio never need a skill. “No, when you can cook simplicity become the most delicious, that’s required high skill,” I said defensively. I always finished my meal clean whenever you made me spaghetti aglio olio, but that night I couldn’t eat it even a bite.

“I met someone else and I think, I fall in love and we should end our relationship or whatever we have now. We should not see each other anymore”

I never eat spaghetti aglio olio again. How I cannot see the sign? Why I so blind? Why we have to end everything abruptly? Why you never giving me chance to say goodbye properly?

The plane getting more bumpy and now I can hear scream. 

In seconds, the oxygen masks are dropping and nothing I can think except that I never saying goodbye when I run out from your house that night.

I’m in chaos. We are badly shaken, one lady detached from her seatbelt and thrown from her seat. I can hear mumbling pray, screams, loud cries, praising Lord and curse Him at same time. I see lover in the middle seat holding hands. One by one passenger thrown out from their seat. We have no time to put on our oxygen mask or wearing our life vest as shown on safety video. There is no time for the emergency, we are straight to a goodbye.

It is our delayed goodbye. At my window seat, I’m going to be thrown in the light in any second from now and my life flashback in slow motion, me and you watching million lights outside your window. Your kiss is playing over in my mind.

Why you never giving me time for a proper goodbye?

A million lights hit me.