Ruth Wijaya

Few days ago, I met a girl, who I knew from blog. We were being in contact for quite a while since Meike contacted me to be one of her respondent for her thesis but this is our very first meeting. As Meike read my blog and vice versa, we just hit off like old friend, wait, just like older & younger sisters. Hahaha… despite the fact that Meike is more than a decade younger than me, our conversation was smooth and time passed so fast. It was really nice to meet you, Mei.

Obviously our conversation was full with on how to find love! After all, what made Meike read my blog at first time was a stupid story of my first crush. She told me what she does on her daily job and what she found there; mostly love is part of capitalism! Love is always for  a trade, either with sex or money.

“Even though the matchmaking happen in religious group, they will just look at the background of the men, what is his education, how much he made then that’s it, they decide to have marriage with him and nothing on inter-relationship between them, it just transactional love” she then added, “and to be part of that religious dating group, they need to pay few hundred thousands rupiah! Maybe not much but can you imagine thousands joined the group, how much money this religious group leader got! They’re selling love!”

I laughed, “oh! I think, that’s how they financing their polygamy!” However, I actually do agree that life itself is the biggest capitalist! Every thing in life is transactional with love as the most sellable commodity after hate; and yes… me too, I would find out background of the guy before I let myself fall for him. For me, the background check mostly whether this man is smart enough to read or not. Haha.

Once, I was young, stupid and full with idea of romanticism; it was when love is just love. I am always a hopeless romantic, now I can add: I am always a hopeless romantic with some experience that love is not romantic. Love is logic, a calculation of win and loss. Well, I think some part of me still believe that love is just love and we should keep spreading love for better world but it never a romantic love.

“Men always using the same trick, a tiger trap. With that trick, they always have choices. They will get close to few women and then at the end decide one and leaving others dying from broken heart” she said.

Ah, all men in the world are the same! They are all born with the gift of being sweet-talker and genetically, women love everything sweet! We trapped, we die! The only difference is, some of us brave enough to go through all the pain for a chance of love so they are willing to go for the same trap again and some just coward like me; we don’t have enough to place the bet on lovegame.

If men have choices, so let’s make our own choices as well. That’s the most simple thing we could do. I’d choose my own life and being as selfish as I wanted to be. If you are here to add on my joy, I would love to have you otherwise please out.

Every time people asking me, why I am not getting married yet, they always added, don’t work too much, don’t chase the career it will meant nothing if you don’t have kids and husband. Sigh. The young me will have furious answer for it but me now, I just laugh. I’m now too tired to explain that I have no career and I am not chasing it. It just bullshit, I’m not that ambitious. Yes, I have a good job and I am grateful, from all the works available in this world, I could find one I like and getting paid for doing it. Kids and husband? Ah… I’m old already. I don’t think my body can handle pregnancy and I always think that I’m not capable mentally to have my own child. Not that I hate kids, it just… I don’t know. Husband? Hmm, first we must find someone that  can live with me for 24/7. If we can find one who passed it, big chance that on someday/somewhere there is someone that can live with me for the rest of his & my life. I even cannot live with myself alone for that long, that’s why my mind always jumping around, never stay still.

Marriage for me is all about commitment, sex, love and money. One lacked in your marriage then you are done! And yes, love will just come at number three. Love never happen like I always wanted. It doesn’t struck like a light; all the loves that struck like a light were always the shortest and painful at the end. Love is growing. Love is a hard-work. Sex? Well, we are all animal. We just born like that but we do have commitment above all. For better or worse, we would respect the commitment. I never been in marriage before, I don’t know whether this stupid theory will work or not but this thought support my believe that love is only a trade. Love is always for sale.

Of course.

Maybe, there is a pure love like unicorn somewhere/someday but for now all of us only deserve love that are transactional, and I do hope that we will get fair share from it. If not, then hopefully one on loss have a courage to get out from it.

Have a nice weekend, love!