Ruth Wijaya

There are memories force to stay in your mind though you want to forget it and there are memories slipping fast like you are holding sands in your hand; the harder you hold it, the faster it slipped. How our brain works always fascinating. How it categorised memories, which folder for the new data come in and keywords to call back the memory.

I always having problem with how my brain working on memories. So hate it. I feel bad also because apparently no one around me feel irritated because of it. I don’t know, no one being honest that their brain also irritating or it just me overthinking everything.

Imagine this, you’re enjoying lunch, it is the best ayam goreng, classic style! Marinated in simple spices then cook it with low temp fire until all the spice absorbed & chicken cooked well, then for last finishing, quick deep fried to give crispy texture at the outside. What you have that afternoon is like the perfect goldie-brown fried chicken, which you just found it after so long in search for classic dishes. Enjoying it with fragrant rice, dip in sweet soy sauce sambal. Eat. Die. Eat. Die. Then your tongue send message to brain, the taste identical with fried chicken that you enjoyed few years ago with your ex. Bright, spicy, laugh, love, young, our moment. Those memories flooding in and there it goes your perfect lunch. I remember the taste and my feeling.

I remember everything like that.

I remember, we are sitting in the dark, next to each other and talk in silent anger. The light from lamp in other room fall at weird angle. I saw citylights at the window next to me (and at that time I was thinking, if one light out there is represent one problem of every human being, so my problem now is nothing. I can going thru this). I remember your shirt’s color, the collar was a bit up at one side. The same shirt stained with my lipstick. You clean it well. I remember the hate. I remember the rusty taste stayed on my tongue months after. I remember the meal we have it together for the first time and you’re laughing when I clapped my hand because it tasted so good. I still go to that place with friends, of course, the food is too good. I know I can’t erase the memory, I only trying to overwrite it. It doesn’t work, I still remember everything. You asked me to hold your phone, it was an important call and you won’t missed it but at same time you still wanted to eat. Vividly real. The smell. The taste. That look. I can’t erase that. Yet. The new memories I create just sands in my hand. It is you all over.  If, I could just erase selective moments in my life, it would be much easier. But why don’t you turn yourself to become sands in my hand?

Forgive but not forget. I want both. Forgiving myself is never easy. Forgetting, my biggest problem.

Lay down on my bed, I remember your smell. How hard I tried to replace it with new scent. How I wish you ever look back at me after that night. I remember you. I remember your hate.

Brain. Memory of everything is my biggest enemy.