Sipping my coffee this morning, suddenly I remember about the memory of pain on my skin. How my skin has its own memories about pain and use it every time I got new tattoo though my brain has forgot how the pain was.
I got a lot of comments about my tattoos, about how the pain was and how brave I was enduring such pain for the tattoos. Then I will reply them, “I don’t remember the pain, it became a cloud in my brain now. I just remember that it was hurt and I passed.” Another thing I remember, the pain that I got for new tattoo is more hurting rather than the old ones. In my last session, I even ask my tattoo artist to stop for a while as I need to breathe. It was just a very small tattoo. My friend, who her body almost covered by tattoos said, “It is a memory of skin, every time new tattoo made, your skin build it defense and make the pain more hurting rather than the previous, without you realize it” Oh so. Hence the second tattoo will hurt more than the first.
I continue to sip; I think that theory also applied to my heart.
I think I have been recovered from my falls. I remember those endless crying, big hole inside and difficulties to breathe (mentally of course). The latest recovery was the worst. I guess not because it was the worst fall but only accumulation of all pains that I had before. Oh man, that was bad. Those memories now haunting me; peeking from my subconscious mind every night like trying to remind me, that I will not survive if I fall again. If so, what should I do if the butterfly starts to put its eggs in my mind again, hatched in to caterpillars and digest every thought I have about us.
And as I ended my coffee, I struck in my thought; do I really have no strength to take another fall? Do memories of pain really exist or I just made it up?
would you stop haunting me? please? r